Dear Anal Apertures: Keep Your Legislation Away From Our Offensive Vaginas.

Posted in Blogs, Politics & Social Issues by

Mike Callton

See that guy up there? He’s offended by the word “vagina.” That word is so offensive, in fact, that a female legislator who used the word during a speech on Wednesday, has been barred from speaking on the floor of the House of Representatives in Michigan. (Since I have begun writing this post, House GOP Spokesman Ari Adler has defended their actions, claiming that it was the “no means no” part of her speech that got her gaveled out of order and barred from the House floor. Unfortunately, this doesn’t change the fact that Mike Callton is offended by the medical term used to describe a part of the female body.)

From The Detroit News:

House Republicans prohibited state Rep. Lisa Brown from speaking on the floor Thursday after she ended a speech Wednesday against a bill restricting abortions by referencing her female anatomy.

Rep. Brown (D-West Bloomfield) ended her speech with, “Finally, Mr. Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no’.”

GASP.

Are you ready for Rep. Callton’s response when he was questioned about the action taken against Rep. Brown for using the word “vagina”?

“What she said was offensive,” said Rep. Mike Callton, R-Nashville. “It was so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company.”

Seriously? You don’t want to use the medical term for that part of a woman’s anatomy IN FRONT OF WOMEN?! I promise you, Mike, “vagina” is not a dirty word. We women use that word all the time, along with some other descriptors that would probably obviously give you heart palpitations.

All is not lost, though, Mikey my boy. There are ways to combat a strong aversion of this nature. One of the most common therapeutic tactics involves confronting a person with the very thing they fear or despise–in this case, the word “vagina”–in order to take away its power over a person.

And I’d like to help you, Rep. Callton–like lots of women have been helping you recently–by leading a therapy session designed to strip away the fear and loathing associated with this so-called “offensive” word.

Let’s begin. Repeat after me, Rep. Callton:

VAGINA. VAGINA. VAGINA.

Good job! I know this is difficult for you, but we must face our fears and learn to overcome them. And we shouldn’t stop there–if a serious aversion is not treated in a timely manner, it can lead to new and even more serious issues.

With that in mind, Rep. Callton, please repeat after me one more time:

UTERUS. CERVIX. LABIA.

Isn’t this fun? Don’t you feel better now? It feels good to free yourself from those uptight and downright silly notions of propriety, doesn’t it?

I thought so.

In all seriousness, though, this really isn’t about the terminology Rep. Brown chose to use in her speech. As she responded when asked about what happened on the House floor on Wednesday:

“If I can’t say the word vagina, why are we legislating vaginas?” Brown said. “What language should I use?”

“We’re all adults here.”

Exactly. If those anal apertures in the House of Representatives don’t want to openly discuss our offensive vaginas (using correct medical terminology), then they should keep their offensive legislation away from us.

And let’s be honest–House Republicans in Michigan weren’t offended by Brown’s terminology choices. They’re just using any ridiculous excuse they can find to silence a voice that is disagreeable to them. Mike Callton has a biology degree that he earned from Michigan State University in 1981. Did he confront his biology professors every time the word “vagina” came up in class? Did he run out of the room screaming? Did he have any biology professor banned from teaching for daring to use the word “vagina”? No, of course he didn’t.

The only things that are truly offensive about this whole situation are Republicans’ patriarchal attitudes and their horrid anti-choice legislation.

(Sources: photo | article)

Belly Buttons & Napkin Licking? There Is Something Wrong With Us.

Posted in Blogs, Random by

I was originally going to write about my total aversion to belly buttons, which I recently found out is an actual phobia with a name (Omphalophobia). Then I sent my sister a text message to make sure I was remembering something correctly, and our conversation turned out to be better than the original post I was planning. I have the best laughs with my family.

Me: Didn’t you have your belly button pierced and chase me around the house with it once?

Sis: Probably.

Me: You did used to have it pierced, right?

Sis: Yep. Till I got prego.

Me: Ok. I thought so.

Sis: Was that your emotional trigger?

Me: My emotional trigger? You mean what started my belly button issue? No. I already had it and you were taking advantage. Hahaha!

Sis: Oh, good. Hahaha!

Me: I found out the belly button issue is an actual thing with a name and other people have it, too! So weird.

Sis: Mom told me. What’s the name? Navelyuckaphobia?

Me: Yes.

Me: Omphalophobia.

Sis: I’m sticking with my original idea.

Sis: What’s your fear of vomit called? You need drugs. Lol

Me: I like yours better. See, my belly button thing isn’t really a fear. It just makes me gag. Can’t help it.

Me: The vomit thing is an actual fear that I do have drugs for. Hahaha! Emetophobia.

Me: Like I am TERRIFIED of getting sick.

Sis: {*} I texted you a belly button. I have the same issue with licking napkins.

Me: WHO LICKS NAPKINS??? I am laughing so hard right now.

Sis: Ever since the spaghetti incident of 1985. Gross people who want to clean baby faces. And Rick, who likes to watch me gag. Same problem with popsicle sticks.

Me: Wait. Spaghetti incident?

Sis: When you puked and would never eat it again. Remember?

Sis: Joyce got the stomach flu at 3am after the wedding. If it could happen, it would there.

Me: Of course I remember that. But it’s only dad’s sauce I can’t eat. And it was later than 1985. I thought you were talking about napkin licking.

Me: I hope no one else got sick. Those stomach flus are viruses. Nasty, icky, contagious viruses. Gross. Let’s change the subject, shall we?

Sis: No. Don’t remember how that started. Think I always hated it.

Me: Same with belly buttons. You should never have told Rick about it. Haha!

Me: Also, I might just blog this whole conversation, because it’s better than the post I was planning about belly buttons.

Sis: Sure. But it was 7 people. Moving on… Rick discovered it when he was doing some sort of magic trick involving stuffing a napkin into his mouth and pulling it out of his ear.

Me: Oh? To prove there was nothing in between?

Sis: Hahaha!

Sis: Something like that.

Me: That actually makes me want to gag, too. Yuck. Let’s just stop. Haha!

Sis: Good idea. I have to go clean up Willow’s hairballs, ironically.

Me: Nice. Have fun. Smooches.

Needless to say, we are a strange bunch, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. My family is the best.

Journaling: The Resolution Hardest to Keep

Photo by: Me“Don’t ever put anything in writing that you wouldn’t want someone else to find and read.”
–Milene Morfei

Journaling.

How many of you keep a journal? How many of you are good about keeping it current? Do you write in it every day? A few times a week?

Now, how many of you decided to keep a journal, but gave it up after a short time? Why did you stop writing? Nothing to write about? Too busy? Lack of motivation?

I have started a pile of journals over the last fifteen years. I’m a master at starting journals. I probably have ten journals, with anywhere from a week to a couple of months worth of writing in them. I am horrible at keeping a journal, for a few reasons. My life is not super exciting; although I’m okay with that because I’m more of a homebody than someone who likes to go out all the time, being a homebody can make for a lack of writing material. I refuse to write about my kids every day; my primary identity is not “mother.” It seems that many of the reasons for not being a good journal keeper are also the reasons why I’m not good at updating this blog on a regular basis. I can’t stay motivated, or I come up with excuses for not writing every day (I’d rather be reading, I don’t have time, I just don’t feel like it). How do I stay motivated? What do I write about? Do I really have anything to say?

Additionally, the quote that opens this post is advice that my mother gave me when I was a kid. Great advice that, unfortunately, I haven’t always heeded; I’ve dealt with my fair share of strife and humiliation because a few assholes decided to invade my privacy. Not my fault, by any means, but the pain it caused me has made me take my mother’s advice more seriously. I’m in a good place now, and though I trust the people I live with, the thought of once again attempting to keep a journal brings forth the little voice that resides in the back of my mind (the voice of my mother, unsurprisingly): “Do you really want to do that? Are you very sure you want to write that down? What if…?”

Tivoli Embossed Floral Tan Wrap Italian Leather Journal (6x8)

(Click on any of the photos below to enlarge them.)

But I’d still like to give it another shot, so I bought this journal from Barnes & Noble, and I really want to commit to writing in it every day. I’m trying to come up with some kind of template, so even if I don’t have much to write about, I will still have something to write down. For example, I think at the top of each entry, I will describe my day in three words. Then maybe those three words will serve as prompts and help me to write an entire entry. I’ll most likely reserve a paragraph to put down my thoughts on the book(s) I’m currently reading. I’m also hoping that keeping a journal will help me hone my writing skills (again), and hopefully help some ideas start to flow (again)–maybe sometimes I’ll try writing a little fiction, or some poetry. Who knows–maybe journaling will help me come up with things to write about here on the Hodgepodge. I’m not sure how it will go, but I’m hoping that I can keep it up this time. I think I just need to make it a habit, and once it becomes a habit it will just feel natural to take the time to sit down and write a little something every day.

If you keep a journal and write in it on a regular basis, do you have any advice for me? I don’t want it to feel like a chore. What kinds of things do you write about? Did you come up with some kind of template for yourself, or do you just sit down and let the words flow? How often do you write?

Are You My Mummy?

Posted in Ashley-isms, Blogs by

Ashley as mummyI have this habit of allowing myself to become engaged in ridiculous conversations with my 11-year-old daughter. She has a vivid imagination and she comes up with some of the craziest–and mostly hilarious–ideas. I mean, they’re the kinds of things that she is going to laugh her ass off about when she’s an adult–’I can’t believe I actually said/thought that!’–and so I have no idea why I let some of these ideas become full-blown conversations in which I get roped into playing devil’s advocate and sometimes being outright argumentative (in a nice way, of course).

The latest conversation (condensed for the sake of brevity…and my sanity):

Ash: When I die someday, I want to be mummified.

Me: Mummified? You’re kidding, right?

Ash: No, I really want to be a mummy.

Me: You really think your family is going to want to mummify you? Where are they going to keep your mummified body? In their coat closet? Their attic? Who wants a mummified body in their house?

Ash: I’m going to tell them to build a big tomb, like they have in Egypt. It’ll be huge.

Me: Ashley. You can’t ask your family to mummify you and build you a tomb. Do you really think they’ll want to spend all that money? And where would the tomb be? In their backyard? No, no. Is mummification even legal in the United States? I’ll bet it’s not. You can’t be mummified in the U.S.

Ash: Then I’ll make them take me to Egypt. They’ll do it in Egypt.

Me: How very American of you: “Hey, Egyptians! I know I’m from America, but I want you to turn me into a mummy and build a big tomb for me. Because I’m American. And I’m important.” You can’t do that. What makes you think they’ll want to do that for you?

Ash: Then I’ll move to Egypt and become an Egyptian citizen before I die. Then I’ll be an Egyptian and they won’t mind.

Me: So…you’ll move to Egypt and become an Egyptian citizen just so you can be mummified when you die? You’re crazy. I think this is the craziest idea you’ve had yet. And wait a minute…can we go back to the beginning and start over? Why would you want to be mummified? Where did this come from?

Ash: Because I like ancient Egyptian culture. I think it would be cool.

Me: You’ll be dead. You aren’t going to care about “cool.” Listen, if something happened to you tomorrow, and you died, your father and I would not have you mummified, just so you know. I mean, seriously, Ash. You’re nuts.

Ash (tapping her chin and speaking to herself): …I need to make a will…

And then the conversation just went downhill from there–legal talk about her making a will and affording a lawyer…and this conversation seriously went on for probably ten more minutes before I gave up and told her to go find something to do.

Now, I sat down to write about this and realized that I should probably do some research about mummification practices in the U.S. I assumed it’s illegal here, but one thing I don’t do when we have these conversations is lie to her. I’m glad I didn’t look it up while we were having this conversation, though, because it turns out I was wrong. GASP.

Mummification is totally legal in the United States…

…and there’s a mummification business in Utah (Utah?) called Summum that will mummify your loved ones (humans and pets)…

…for $67,000 (“under normal circumstances”). That cost is for human mummification. The mummification of a pet will cost a person anywhere from $4,000 to $28,000.

According to their website, Summum has been turning folks and pets into mummies since 1975, they’re the only organization in the world that provides this service, and they’ve been featured on all kinds of major educational television shows, so I may be the only person in the world who didn’t know about this. I guess that’s what I get for not watching television. Anyway, they even offer Mummiforms for mummified loved ones (which is not included in the $67,000 mentioned above, and could cost “well over $100,000″ depending on a person’s Mummiform choices):

The Mummiform

The Mummiform (photo: Summum)

“The Mummiform is first sculpted in clay. A mold is taken and finally, the Mummiform is cast in 1/4 inch bronze or stainless steel. The surface of the Mummiform may be left as a polished surface, or intricately inscribed with text. It may be inlaid with gold, ceramics, or jewels.”

I am in no way knocking anyone whose religion calls for this kind of thing (is there a religion that dictates mummification?). Personally, however, I am a cremation type of gal; I don’t want anyone to spend more than they have to in order to dispose of my dead body. Seriously. Cremate me and dump me in Cayuga Lake. (Which probably is illegal, and just gave me a funny mental picture of my kids being caught dumping my ashes in Cayuga Lake: “Hi, officer! Yeah, we were just tossing our mother overboard. No big deal.”)

Of course, this morning when I told Ashley that mummification is legal in the U.S. and that there’s a company who does this kind of thing, she gave a big fist pump and a “Yessss!” I started to say something about the cost and the selfishness of it, but 7:30am is much too early for me to be having a full-blown conversation about anything, so I stopped myself and told her to just watch TV until it was time to go out for the school bus.

Lesson learned.

For now.